Beta trials  ·  Not medically endorsed

Fitness tracking
for barstool pursuits.

Barrmin records the pub athlete in the field. Start solo or assemble a team, check into venues, log rounds, preserve quotes, and receive a performance recap compiled with total confidence and no medical authority. Satisfaction guaranteed (this is not a guarantee).

18+ only  ·  No medical supervision  ·  Trials pending
✓ Athlete registered. Hydration protocol optional.
Solo + Group
Witnesses optional
0%
Medical credibility
Barrmin start session screen
Barrmin live session tracking screen
Barrmin athlete metrics screen
Actual app screens
01 — Training surfaces

Your night out,
over-analysed.

The modern pub athlete requires more than instinct. Barrmin records the session, tracks the group, preserves the quotes, notes the curry damage, and files the walk-home gymnastics under “mobility work.”

01
●
Start Training
Begin alone or appoint witnesses. Barrmin starts the session, activates the log, and begins observing behaviour that may later be described as “character building.”
Witnesses: optional
02
⌖
Pub Detection
Barrmin suggests the venue automatically for athletes whose navigation has entered the interpretive phase. If technology fails, manual search allows the athlete to briefly rejoin society.
Fallback: manual dignity
03
↻
Rounds & Damage
Track the round, the spend, and the precise moment someone began explaining that money is “just energy.”
Discipline: monitored
04
''
Quotes & Photos
Preserve quotes, photos, and other material evidence before the defence starts using phrases like “taken out of context.”
Context: denied
05
▣
Known Associates
Follow approved teammates in live sessions. Useful for coordination, accountability, and identifying who has wandered off with confidence.
Whereabouts: approximate
06
✓
Post-Session Analysis
Every session becomes a training file: where you went, how long you lasted, what it cost, and whether the data suggests progress or a developing personality issue.
Trend: concerning
02 — Live session

Track form while
form declines.

During a session, Barrmin tracks the vital signs of the night: current venue, route, pace, rounds, financial damage, quotes, photos, and late entries filed under “I forgot to log that.” It is basically a fitness app, if your fitness app quietly suggested a kebab after a heroic effort.

⌖
Currently at
Venue identified. Athlete denies this was the intended destination.
↻
Rounds tracker
Round evasion monitored. Sudden trips to the bathroom may be reviewed.
€
Damage estimate
Cost of performance calculated. Emotional damage available separately.
Barrmin live session controls screen
Barrmin tonight's verdict recap screen
03 — Performance report

Your coach has
been notified.

Barrmin turns the session into a training recap: part route map, part performance review, part evidence bundle for claims beginning with “I was actually grand.”

1
Verdict assigned. QUIET ONE through MEDICAL ANOMALY. Classification is automatic and unnecessarily firm.
2
Analysis generated. Barrmin studies your form like race footage, then concludes the main issue may have been your personality.
3
Quotes preserved. Barrmin archives the quote of the night before memory, shame, and plausible deniability get involved.
4
Live feed contained. Only approved teammates get the live feed. The wider public receives the recap once the facts have had a lie down.
Barrmin official recap verdict screen
Barrmin battles leaderboard screen
18+
Competitive age group
0
Qualified doctors
1
Personality issue
∞
Receipts retained
04 — Athlete reviews

Trusted by people
with recovery anxiety.

Unverified testimonials. Presented with institutional calm.

★★★★★

Barrmin said my walk home showed “promising mobility work.” I had climbed one railing and apologised to a traffic cone.

MO
Moss O.
Mobility concern
★★★★★

Barrmin identified “advanced footwork.” I had spent three minutes trying to step over a puddle with dignity.

AM
Aoife M.
Technical review
★★★★★

The recap praised my “mental toughness.” I had spent seven minutes convincing a taxi app I was indoors.

CN
Conor N.
Location dispute
05 — FAQ

Frequently asked.

Yes, in the same way a pub quiz is an exam. Barrmin tracks routes, sessions, pubs, pace, rounds, spend, quotes, photos, and other markers of athletic decline.
Yes. Group sessions use a code or invitation link. Approved teammates can join the file, appear in the route, and contribute evidence against themselves.
Location suggests the current pub. Manual search remains available for basements, bad signal, and venues with the cartographic presence of a witness protection scheme.
Only approved teammates. Barrmin does not support live stalking, amateur surveillance, or partners asking “where are you now?”
Yes. Barrmin supports soft drinks, food, quotes, photos, and the crucial role of remembering where everyone left their dignity.
You get a training recap containing route, verdict, stats, quotes, photos, and several conclusions your group may appeal emotionally.
Beta squad

Train hard.
Drink smart.

Join the beta. Barrmin is accepting athletes, witnesses, round dodgers, and anyone willing to have their form reviewed.

18+ only  ·  iOS & Android  ·  Coach has been notified
✓ Athlete registered. Coach has been notified.